


Beneficial

by Gooberforgubler80



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 10:07:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17160041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gooberforgubler80/pseuds/Gooberforgubler80
Summary: "No strings attached, just lots of orgasms," Is what you had told Spencer when you started this relationship. But, what happens if someone falls in love?





	Beneficial

You rolled off me, your naked body glistening with sweat and I couldn’t help but think that there was no one more beautiful than you in the world. Right now, it’s just friends with benefits. “No strings attached. Just lots of orgasms.” You had told me the first time we got into this and I stupidly believed you. I believed I could have sex with you and not want to be part of every facet of your life. I believed that our job was too strenuous to support a relationship. I believed that getting into this would dampen the growing affection I had for you. But in truth, it just made it worse. Hearing you grunt and groan beneath me or on top of me was music to my ears, better than Beethoven or Mozart. Outside of the bedroom you still went on dates and broke men’s hearts. Outside of the bedroom you kicked ass, took names, and saved lives which made me want you more.

 

On more than one occasion I thought about confessing my feelings, not hiding them anymore. But when Luke joined the team and you started flirting with him, I decided against it. The longing looks you gave him, the flirty jokes you made with him. The way he sat with you the one time you were sick on the plane. I offered, but you turned me down saying people would get suspicious.

 

“Spence?” You whispered softly. You had taken to calling me that your first day on the job. I told you that J.J. was the only one to ever call me that and you, determined to be different, had to change that. I didn’t mind though, made me feel, special.

 

“Hmm?” I hummed running a hand through your hair, gently scraping your scalp. Your eyes slid close in bliss and you hummed softly.

 

“Never mind,” You smiled and rolled closer, laying your head in the crook of my neck as my long arms looped around your waist. My fingers drew lazy patterns on your back and you hummed in contentment.

 

“Want a drink?” I asked after a while. You nodded eagerly and I climbed out of bed slipping on some boxers. You followed suit pulling on your panties and buttoning my shirt over your pert chest. Swallowing thickly and trying not to imagine how wonderful it would be to wake up to you every day, I walked down to the kitchen.

 

“Is everything okay, Spencer?” You asked softly as you came to stand beside me, stroking my arm gently. Maybe sex was the answer, maybe sex would keep my mind occupied and I couldn’t think about you all the time. I kissed you fiercely, grabbing your ass in my hands and lifting you onto the counter.

 

“I need you,” I whispered huskily in your ear. You shivered and moaned and pushed my boxer shorts off. I kicked them off to the side and quickly divested you of the offending material.

 

——————

 

It had been 3 days since we last had sex. But I couldn’t stop my mind from wandering. What it would be like to have you in my life 24/7. To be able to call you mine and never have to worry about losing you to Luke. What it would be like to bring you coffee in bed every Sunday morning and spend the day kissing and holding each other. I’m not sure when this became more about love and less about sex but it did and it was hellish and pure bliss all at once.

 

“You doing alright, Pretty Ricky?” Morgan asked. His tone concerned but I couldn’t tell him that it was you driving me insane. So I nodded, and smiled a tight lipped smile. I couldn’t tell him about how I knotted my fingers in that glorious hair of yours. I couldn’t tell him about the one time I spent an hour worshiping your body with kisses and touches. I couldn’t tell him that I had memorized every dip and curve of your body with expert precision. That when I closed my eyes, all I could see was the swell of your breasts as my fingers traveled your sides, making your breath hitch in your throat.

 

“Spence. Is everything alright?” J.J. asked, a brow furrowing in concern as she set her coffee down on my desk. I gave the same response I gave to Morgan, but she wasn’t dumb. She knew me better than anyone-except you.

 

“Is it about…Y/N…” J.J.’s voice dropped as she subtly motioned to you. You were sitting on Luke’s desk, your soft creamy thighs peaking from under your dress. Your chest straining against the buttons of your top. Luke had said something that made you laugh. You tossed your head back and belted out a laugh. You laughed when you were with me, but right now I felt…jealous.

 

I nodded solemnly and looked down at the slowly cooling cup of coffee on my desk. I had taken to stirring some bourbon in with the hot liquid. It made me feel numb and I thought that I could better cope with my feelings that way. Bourbon and Sugar with a splash of coffee.

 

“You need to tell her. I think she likes you too. You’ve seen how she acts around you,” J.J. comforted before standing and walking back to her desk. I couldn’t tell her. This was about sex, about numbing our feelings for the outside world. It was never about being in love or falling in love.

 

You approached me in the kitchen later that same day. I couldn’t ignore just how beautiful you were. Your hair had started to fall out of the updo you’d put it in that morning and the way it framed your face was beautiful. I quickly shook away my thoughts and poured some coffee. Silently and slowly I slid the flask from my jacket pocket, hoping to God you wouldn’t see. But alas, of course you did. Your usual smile turned into a frown and you stepped closer.

 

“What’s going on Spence?” Concern laced its way through your words. I wanted so bad to scream that I love you. That I’d always loved you and that’s why I couldn’t have sex with you anymore. Meaningless sex that is.

 

“Nothing.” I replied stirring in an ungodly amount of sugar and then taking a sip, the hot burn of the coffee and the burn of the alcohol soothes the ache in my throat and in my heart. At least temporarily.

 

“What is it? Is it something I said or did? Do you want to stop this…arrangement?” You whispered the last word like I was an embarrassment. You couldn’t be caught sleeping with the skinny little nerd baby of the BAU. What it would do to your reputation in the Bureau would kill you.

 

“No. Just leave me alone.” I replied firmly as I walked out of the kitchen. Setting my coffee on my desk I walked out of the BAU and down the hall to the elevator. Choosing instead to sit in the car and drown my sorrows in the remainder of bourbon I had on me. Entering the parking lot, I finally felt like I could breathe. Like a weight had come off my body.

 

I sat in solemn silence in my car. The sound of the alcohol hitting the container as I took large gulps of the burning liquid. It felt good.

 

——————

 

You showed up on my front porch that night. Claimed you’d had a hard day and needed to relieve some stress. Opening the door wider and letting you in, you began to quickly shed your clothing. I did the same, while you felt the rush of adrenaline you get before sex, I felt numb. I felt nothing. Did I still love you? Absolutely. But I was also trying to tell myself that you wouldn’t and couldn’t love me back so I should be grateful to at least be getting something. Heartbreaking casual sex.

 

I felt nothing as we had sex that night. The thrusting was pure muscle memory. When you rode your orgasm, and I followed soon after, I tried to sound like I had enjoyed it but the reality is, I didn’t feel it. When you cuddled into me afterwards I acted like I wasn’t hurt. Once you fell asleep I slipped into some pajamas and went to the kitchen, deciding to drown my sorrows once again. I opened the liquor cabinet, a bottle of Jack Daniel’s was calling my name. I retrieved the bottle, not bothering with a glass and sat on the couch with a book.

 

Exactly 12 minutes and 30 seconds into the book that I wasn’t really reading, you padded down the hall to the living room. Concern was etched across your face as you took in my presumably disheveled features.

 

“Spencer…” Your voice full of concern as you came to sit with me. I slid away from you, desperate to not have you touch me. Afraid of what it would do to my wellbeing.

 

“What?” I replied. My words dripped with sarcasm and hurt. Months of hurt had been pent up and now it was all coming out and I didn’t seem to care what happened.

 

“What’s going on? You avoid me, you’re unhappy, I can smell the alcohol in your coffee from the next room over. Is it something I’ve said? Something I’ve done?” You asked scooting closer to me and laying a comforting hand on my shoulder. I didn’t shake it off.

 

“I’m in love with you,” I muttered. I figured this was as good a time as any to tell you. The alcohol had numbed my nerve endings and the ache in my heart. You recoiled and I knew you didn’t feel the same. You just wanted meaningless emotionless sex.

 

“Y-You are?” You stuttered. Your eyes wide in disbelief.

 

“Look, I know we can’t be in a relationship. It would ruin your reputation among the men of the Bureau and no one wants to date the scrawny nerd from the BAU. The one who can’t construct a whole thought in a soci-” I was cut off by your lips on mine. They were full and soft. The way they moved in sync with my own. I pulled you closer, tasting a hint of mint and cinnamon on your lips. I dragged my tongue along your bottom lip and you eagerly granted me access. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I couldn’t believe this would ever happen in life let alone with someone as wonderful as you.

 

“I love you too, Spence. I always have. That’s why I proposed this arrangement. I thought it would dampen my feelings for you but they only worsened when I came to the conclusion you didn’t love me back,” You whispered against my lips as your hands knotted in my hair.

 

“Help me,” I begged. “Help me not drink to numb my feelings. Help me feel again..” I murmured as I lazily traced your sides.

 

“Of course. We’ll go to meetings and therapy together,” You squeezed my hand reassuringly and I smiled, truly smiled for the first time in weeks.

 

“Thank you. I love you,” I whispered into your hair and pulled you as close as humanly possible.

“I love you most, Genius,” you responded with a smile and a gentle kiss on my lips. And for once, I felt. I felt love and admiration and affection, I felt alive. And it was because of you.


End file.
